I will describe how to speak assertively and powerfully.

The key is to take advantage of the hidden rules and codes that control our perceptions and expectations about power and language use.

I explain what these hidden rules and codes are and describe what to say and how to say it so you are perceived as powerful.

Don’t Be Too Polite

In the past, I have talked about politeness. Specifically, about the relationship between power and politeness, and social distance and politeness, and ranking and politeness. But I just want to focus on power today.

The general rule in politeness is the more powerful the speaker is in relation to the listener, the less politeness they have to use. There's also an inverse version of that rule. That is, the less polite someone is with you, the more powerful you'll perceive them, because we can read back through these expectations about power and politeness. If someone uses a lot of politeness to us, they're being very deferential, and we can tell that they're bowing down to us with their words. They are deferring to us.

The example I often use is that in Japanese culture, for example, people actually bow. People actually bow to one another as a show of ritual politeness, ritual deference. In the United States, we don't bow to one another. We show deference in other ways. We show deference verbally by saying “Please,” by hedging, by beating around the bush, by being indirect, and doing all sorts of this other verbal deference. But, nevertheless, we are showing deference.

This was driven home to me in a study I did of pharmacists trying to talk to physicians. I gave pharmacists a task where they had to recommend a drug to a physician who had made a medication error, and they had to recommend an alternative. Most of the pharmacists simply wouldn't do it. They were too used to deferring to physicians. So instead of saying, "I recommend drug X," they said, "Would you maybe think about trying drug X?" Or they say, "Drug Y might not be such a good choice." They would play all these deference games to show their deference to the physician. In effect, they were bowing to the physician but bowing verbally, not bowing physically, like the Japanese might bow to show deference.

The key to speaking powerfully, ironically, is don't be too polite. Politeness is perceived as deference. Politeness is a form of verbal ritual deference. Assertiveness and power are the opposites of that. One of the ways we show power is by not showing verbal deference, not being too polite. So, when you have a request or an offer to make, if you want to be perceived as assertive and powerful in a situation, don't use too much politeness. Be direct. Say it as directly as you possibly can. That means no hedging, no indirectness, no beating around the bush, no apologies.

Think about the thing you have to say and think about saying it as directly and in the most unvarnished, unadorned way that you can. That is the most powerful way you can say it, because the less politeness you use, the more powerful you'll be perceived. People know the rule about power and politeness, so when you refuse to use politeness, people will assume you must be a powerful person who doesn't need to use politeness.

The Exception to the Rule

Now, the only caveat I'll make about this is if you're with someone who's genuinely much more powerful than you, perhaps institutionally like if you're in the military. I don't recommend doing this to your superiors. If you're in another situation where the other person is institutionally and officially much more powerful than you, you have to be careful about not showing them proper deference. But in situations where it's not clear who has the official power and you want to assert your power, then do not use verbal deference. That means don't be too polite.

This doesn't mean be rude or profane or obscene or inappropriate. It just means no hedging, no indirectness, no beating around the bush, no apologies. So try it. Politeness is the opposite of deference. Politeness in some ways is the opposite of power. If you want to be verbally assertive and verbally powerful, don't be too polite.

You heard it here first. Try being direct and see if people perceive you as being more powerful. Give me a comment. Tell me how it works. Talk to you soon.